Hoxton Gin Reviewed by Honest Tom
Gin is a diverse spectrum. For the record, I dig this. It would be boring if everything was the same. Every wine and beer tastes different, so why shouldn’t gin? Creating a unique flavour is what helps you to distinguish your product and prevents it from becoming little more than a drop in the ocean. What I am saying is that I understand bold flavours and being daring with botanicals. That said, I don’t understand what the fuck Hoxton Gin is. I want to make it immediately clear that I don’t mean “what is Hoxton Gin? I haven’t tasted anything like it before and it is really good”, no, what I mean is “Hoxton Gin is probably the shittest gin that I have ever tasted”.
I hope that you like Malibu? If you do then you are going to best be pals with Gerry Calabrese, the heathen and self-proclaimed “drinks maverick” (urrrrgh) behind Hoxton gin. What your neighbourhood pusher, Gerry, has done is redesign the packaging of a Malibu bottle and effectively declared that people will be stupid enough to buy a cack coconut flavoured rum in a fancy fucking bottle if we call it “Premium Gin”. From viewing the Hoxton Gin website, the vanity of this gin is instantly revealed. It gives little away about the gin other than the borough of London it was produced in, what Banksy pictures were found near the distillery and what a great bartender everybody’s mate Gerry Calabrese is. I thought Sipsmith was up its own arse, oh how naïve I was!
Hoxton Gin has adopted the simplest of slogans: “premium gin with attitude”. I can assure you that there is nothing premium about this, other than the ridiculous price tag.
After sorting my way through the bullshit of the Hoxton Gin website, I was able to deduce that Hoxton’s main botanicals include: coconut, grapefruit, tarragon, iris and ginger. Why Jesus Calabrese has selected so many botanicals I will never know because the only thing that I could taste was coconut. It is like having a bowl of Kellogg’s Fruit & Fibre but proclaiming “fuck it, I may as well remove everything other than the dried coconut because that is why I bought this cereal in the first place”. There is not a hint of juniper, no spice, no body, no balance, just coconut. Adding ice forms a flavour similar to Malibu on the rocks (quelle surprise). Adding tonic water is an insult to the tonic itself. In fairness, I did get the flavour of grapefruit after I dropped a massive wedge of the stuff into the gin. This is a testament to how much I hated this gin, it made me feel sympathy for tonic water and it benefitted from garnishing on the basis that it masked the actual taste of the gin. How people are expected to pay £32 for a bottle of this monstrosity baffles me. That is £20 more than a bottle of Malibu and will taste identical when you mix it with coke or lemonade.
Hoxton Gin has adopted the simplest of slogans: “premium gin with attitude”. I can assure you that there is nothing premium about this, other than the ridiculous price tag. The attitude that the “gin” conveys can be likened to a hormonal late-teens girl who got stood up in a nightclub and has switched from alcopops to Hoxton with coke because it is more expensive and makes a statement about how successful she is and that she doesn’t need a man in her life. Oh, I forgot to add that there is also a Banksy artwork next to the nightclub she was frequenting, now get you fucking cheque book ready!
You can buy Hoxton Gin at The Whisky Exchange, DrinkSupermarket.com or on Amazon.