Langley’s No.8 Gin Reviewed by Honest Tom
I have never cried at Forrest Gump. I watch football in eager anticipation of whether the Reds will continually beat the Blues. I get drunk and fall asleep standing up over the sink for 8 hours at a time. When I get up, I walk downstairs and have breakfast without even washing my hands. ‘Cause I’m a bloody bloke! At my core, there are only 3 things that I love: sports, beer and birds (women, not flamingos). Yeah, that’s right, I have been drinking so much Langley’s No.8 Gin, the gin aimed at the “sophisticated male gin drinker”, that I have started to grow pubes and wolf whistle women in the street. Look out ladies, the sheer amount of testosterone harboured in my temple of a body is likely to make you pregnant purely from making eye contact with me. Ladies will be falling at my feet when they hear that I have been drinking Langley’s, the gin equivalent of a Bear Grylls fucking Mount Everest in the arse and then downing 4 yards of ale. Lad.
If there is a take away from that last paragraph it is that men are pretty shit. Proof: men made Langley’s No.8 Gin, the gin that reminds you that it is impossible to eat a bowl of cereal without starring at a pair of tits on page 3. Langley’s, the gin that convinces you that you don’t need to improve because you can already shave and drink beer, is the first gin I have encountered that is marketed directly to men. Why? Bollocks only knows. The assumption is that it was so piss poor that the idiot men that made it thought that women would see through the bullshit of an instantly forgettable gin but that men would be willing to buy anything if it reassured them that their penis was above average girth. Langley’s, the gin that understands the offside rule, apparently has a rich history of distilling gin. Whatever the history is, it has pissed it all away with a ridiculous marketing strategy which alienates women and makes mildly androgynous men, like myself, question whether I feel ethically comfortable drinking a gin that thinks women can’t park cars properly. There is an argument in that Bloom gin tried to capture a female audience, however, I am inclined to believe that this is unfounded. It is just a prettier than normal gin. David Beckham is a prettier than normal man, but he appeals to both genders equally and for both differing and similar reasons. Bloom is not only pretty but it is also unique and approachable. In juxtaposition, Langley’s No.8 Gin, “you burnt the fucking dinner”, is utter gash, and here is why.
Langley’s, the Sky Sports News of gin
Gender politics aside, what is there. Well, nothing. As I have already alluded, Langley’s No.8 Gin, “you ugly cow why can’t you look like her?”, is so uninteresting that they had to think of some way to sell it. Had I have spent a lot of time making such a product, I would have tried numerous ways to increase sales, e.g. packaging in a fancy bottle, or distil to a higher and more unique ABV or experiment by adding a very unusual botanical. Langley’s, the Sky Sports News of gin, decided to do none of this. The flavour of the gin is best described as white noise. The 8 botanicals do nothing to lift the flavour profile. There is a spiced muddled flavour but nothing else. I personally experimented with adding a lot of citrus fruits just to give the gin a stand out feature. If I am recommending garnishes, then you must know that something has gone awry.
At best I hoped that Langley’s No.8 would be like the “Simpson & Son Revitalising Tonic” of the gin world. Unfortunately, it did not induce an erection, more a reminder of how shallow and vacuous a gender I generally belong to. Langley’s, if you are going to make a gin for a male drinker then please take heed of my advice. I recommend turning the bottle into a FleshLight that tastes of a superior gin when you go down on it. May I recommend Bloom. On a side note, full marks for putting an apostrophe in the correct place, a reminder that men are not all bad.
(I once bought a t-shirt from Primark that said “I love Beer, Birds and Sport” as a semi-ironic statement, I spent a good 20 minutes trying to find it for the sake of the attached picture but couldn’t sorry to let you all down.)
You can buy Langley’s No.8 Gin at The Whisky Exchange, DrinkSupermarket.com or on Amazon.