Old Bakery Gin Reviewed by Honest Tom
Let’s get straight to the point. I am trying a new kind of review that focuses less on my convoluted points and instead tells you expressly what I think of the gin in question. Old Bakery Gin is shit. I cannot think of a single thing that I like about Old Bakery Gin. Everything about it made me genuinely angry. The reason that Old Bakery Gin exists is purely because gin is the flavour of the moment. I have always said that sometimes things are popular because they are good. Gin, is most certainly one of these things, however, Old Bakery is a gin that inspired hatred in me and against those that like gin. It is proof that marketing sells a gin and not flavour or anything important to the structure of the gin.
I cannot think of a single thing that I like about Old Bakery Gin. Everything about it made me genuinely angry.
To help me summarise, I thought that it would be best to put all of my hatred into bullet point form as challenging prose is difficult when I am punching my keyboard with bleeding fists.
- Old Bakery Gin has no discernable flavour. Woop-de-fucking-do, it is a gin! Yeah, that really is as far as it goes. I can tell that it is gin when I am drinking it but absolutely nothing jumps out at you. I put this against the standard Tanqueray Export which blew it out of the park. I even compared it to Bulldog Gin, which made me remember the Bulldog could be a lot worse.
- Old Bakery recommends grapefruit, basil leaves and Mediterranean tonic to garnish the gin. Basically, they want you to make up for all of the shortfalls of their gin by going to Le Grocer and buying anything that will add flavour to this insipid hell water.
- Given my last 2 points, you might be expecting Old Bakery gin to feature around the £15 mark. No, think again. The geniuses at Old bakery looked at supply and demand of their polished turd and decided that £40 was the correct selling price. And wait, it gets better, that is for a 50cl bottle. NOT EVEN A FULL FUCKING BOTTLE. The distillers at Old Bakery obviously come into work dressed as the Hamburgler and ready to take the piss out of anyone stupid enough to buy their gin.
- I am more than understanding of a £40 price tag for 50cl of gin when it is Navy strength or hitting the 50% abv mark. Alas, Old Bakery clocks in at a feeble 40%, making it the equivalent of posh Bombay Sapphire, but with less appeal, flavour, pomp… and less in the fucking bottle.
- Old Bakery’s USP is that it is now “Legal”. No, it didn’t used to contain children as a botanical. Basically, the site it is distilled on once produced gin illegally. I hate to break this to Old Bakery, but due to the Gin Act of 1736 (which I am sure you are all familiar with), almost all gin production was illicit, effectively reducing the USP to quite simply a P.
- Old Bakery Gin thinks that it is the Dom Perignon of gin. I could only find the gin for sale in Harrods and Fortnum & Mason, shops intended for posh twats who have more money than sense. The homepage of the Old Bakery website has something that I have never seen on any gin website before: celebrity endorsements. Not people who you should really trust with booze, no, just fucking celebrities. Old Bakery Gin states that it is proud to supply Jonathan Ross’s parties with its gin. Like I give a shit. Other Celeb endorsements include, the legendary Paul Ross (you remember Paul Ross from 1983 don’t you?), and Michael Portillo. May I refer you to my previous point, give a shit!
All of this leads me to the question, why was Old Bakery made Legal, and why couldn’t it have stayed illegal?